an overflow of words

2010-01-02T22:02:00.001+08:00

I am the dust collecting on your bottom shelf

I am the love letter that you read once and forgot about afterward

I am nothing special, and I want nothing more than for you to tell me otherwise

2010-01-02T17:09:00.002+08:00

OH MY GOD AFTER HUISHAN PASSED THIS TO ME I HYPERVENTILATED AND FLAILED MY ARMS AROUND LIKE A MANIAC AND MY DAD TOLD ME TO STOP BEING STUPID BUT YAY YAY YAY YAY IT IS JASON MRAZ HOW CAN I NOT BE INSANE OH MY GOD THIS IS THE PRETTIEST ALBUM COVER EVER LOOK AT ALL THE COLOURS WOW LOOK AT ALL THE SONGS WOW WOW WOW ORGASM HIS VOICE IS ORGASMIC WOW YAY WOOOOOOOOOOO MY LIFE IS COMPLETE

=D

Okay she passed this to me like 2 days after Christmas so this is way overdue but whatever BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. Yay!!!! I have the most awesome friends!! :D So nice of Huishan to notice that I was drooling all over this CD while we were at HMV. HAHAHAHA. YAY!!!!!!!!111!!!!1oneone!!!!11

=D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D

(On a random note, I am not going to use :D ever again! =D is so much better. Because = is bigger than : and I want big eyes. =D Logical right?!)

Ahem. So today is Saturday, January 2nd 2010 which can also be put as 01022010 (so cool right I know). I'm staying at home and yay it's so nice being at home =D

A few minutes ago, I walked down to get for myself a cup of peach tea when I realized the light streaming in to the dining room is very pretty:

Then I walked to the front door and saw another stream of patterned light:

SO PRETTY! I only wished it was bigger. :B Seriously, it's pretty! C'mon, it even made my pink boxers look pretty:

It made me look mysterious:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

YEAH I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

2010-01-02T16:50:00.003+08:00

I am a cute ass motherfucker

(Not literally)

I am clutching on to my bolster

(Literally)

- W. L. R, composed on 02012010

Omg I am such a good poet.

2010-01-01T22:43:00.010+08:00

I miss you, but I'm trying not to care anymore. I lost you because you are meant to love someone else. You lost me because I am meant to love someone else too. It is a very simple fact, but it is so hard to swallow, because I'm too stubborn to let go of something that doesn't belong to me anymore.

Why do I find it so hard to let go? Why do I have such difficulty accepting the inevitable, dealing with what's right in front of me - what can't I get over something I can do nothing to change? I guess I hope too much. Hope for the best, hope that you're still holding on when the truth is you're long gone, up, up, up and away. You love someone else now. So why can't I forget you as well, and love someone else?

There's a fine line between faith and naivety; sometimes we're too in love to see that line and so blindly cross it. Well, I'm done being naive. For the past few weeks, I've been such a mess. I am a mess. And when I look at you, you are absolutely fine. You don't care at all about me anymore and it hurts because we are so far from where we used to be. You used to care, I used to be happy. You are wonderful without me, and me, I am miserable. Tell me - how is that fair? I mean, I know life is unfair, but this is fucking ridiculous. You made me feel like the loneliest person on Earth.

But that was the past. I'm doing okay now. I've been feeling happy, even while thinking of you. The memories used to drive me absolutely fucking insane. The good memories, the bad memories. But now, now I'm fine. I don't cry anymore. I've finally deleted all the messages I've saved from you. I've finally deleted all the pictures I have of you. I've finally changed your name from the moniker I gave you to your real name.

And I've let go. I don't cry at night anymore. I don't cry over you anymore. I'm happy for myself, and I'm happy for you. I was a bad girlfriend, and I know you deserve better, and you've done it in such a short time, so congratulations to you. As for me, I'm so grateful for all my friends, who've been there for me.

And I'm so grateful for my family, especially my mother, who've been a great help in cheering me up with her crude jokes and insults. And my brother, who've been harping on the fact that I've been dumped twice in a year, but I can tell he's secretly worried for me (when he popped in my room in the middle of the night and asked if I was okay because I was crying. WTF scared me I thought it was a ghost at first).

So....... yup. I'm done. I'm done with making myself upset, I'm done with making people worried about me, I'm done with being pathetic.

IT IS A NEW YEAR AND IT IS TIME TO ROCK OUT WITH MY COCK OUT YAY

(PS: I suck at ending my posts, if you've not noticed.)
(PSS: I am aware that I do not have a cock.)

2010-01-01T13:44:00.015+08:00

What: How I spent the last day of my 2009
When: 31st December 2009
Who: Alicia and Weiling
Where: Aswin's house, Weiling's room
Why: To celebrate the last day of 2009 together
How: By taking lots of photos, taking lots of videos, laughing a lot, dancing to Sean Kingston's Fire Burnin', pigging out by consuming 5 packs of mee goreng + 1 bottle of PeelFresh apple and aloe vera fruit juice + 1 bottle of peach tea + a packet of oreos + a lot of sushi.

In the morning. 8)
I met her at the pathway between Century Square and Tampines Mall and went to Cotton On because she wanted to buy a dress for Chinese New Year and bought a dress for $15 (yay for sales), then went to NTUC. Initial plan was to buy spaghetti and pre-made sauce, but Alicia pulled me away and said that the mee goreng was very delicious and wanted me to try. So we bought this packet of mee goreng, with 5 packs of it inside for just $1.50 ;) We also bought sushi for supper. After that, we went back to my house to cook and eat.

And that crazy girl insisted on cooking all 5 packs of mee goreng, assuring me that we will be able to finish all of it because she's very hungry. -_- I was on the verge of exploding after we ate; I was THAT full.

The mix doesn't look very nice haha but after mixing the noodles in, it is quite yummy! :O

I was talking that's why my mouth is in such a weird shape HAHA.

Alicia decided to try on her Cotton On dress so she could model and let everyone see :O

Disturbed her while she's changing by taking photos LOL :x
(Note: I am NOT a pervert.)
And I cut her fringe for her!! From side to bangs! :) She looks so much cuter but she keeps on saying she looks ugly and weird. :(

Then she wanted to try on one of my dresses:

She claims it's too low-cut and that she don't want to expose too much. :O

Then at 9.30pm, her show started and we shifted the computer so we could sit down on the bed and watch the show (she downloaded something called PPLive, and it has a list of channels and you just select the one you want to watch). I didn't understand anything because they were speaking in Hokkien and the subtitles were in Chinese so I just disturbed Alicia HAHA. Took pictures during commercial breaks!

She asked me to pose like how all those other girls are posing and I obliged. HAHAHAHA.

Then she started playing with my eye make-up :O

And then she demanded that I removed it for her :O

Then she went back to seriously watching the show and being bored, I snapped away. :D (While she blatantly ignores me wtf.)

She stops ignoring me. HAHAHA.

Her show ends at 10.30pm and we took more photos and chatted :D

Hehe. And we took a lot of videos, which is still uploading, so I shall upload them here some other day. :> She left at like 11.50am and I sent her off (took a cab home, rich pig). :D

Last day of 2009 was well spent. ;)

My 2009

2009-12-31T17:24:00.025+08:00

Today is the last day of 2009, and while everyone's celebrating the start of the new year and being excited about 2010, hoping and praying that it will be a better year, I am resigned to the fact that next year will just be like this year, except that I will be older and more aware of my failures and lack of accomplishments.

But this year has been a good year to me, and I am grateful that I am much closer to all my friends, and have gotten to know some of my acquaintances better. I am grateful for my gains, as well as for my losses. This year, I've been dumped twice, but I've learned a lot out of these two relationships and I know I will be a better girlfriend the next time round. ;) I've not lost any of my friends, and you have no idea how grateful I am for that! :D:D

And I think I've finally reached the stage where I am comfortable with myself. :D True, I'm not completely okay with my body yet, I'm still grappling with body issues and I still starve myself when something bad happens to me, but I'm getting better and I think that's all that matters! Getting better, every year. And I've found so many lovely friends, it's so fucking unbelievable. I'm serious! In primary school, almost everyone hated me and found me annoying and I only had Joyce and Amanda and Gladys and Subashri as friends (lost contact with all of them except Joyce) and now I'm surrounded by all these wonderful people and I'm so happy, I've never thought so many people would actually like me! :B HAHAHA.

True, there are still a majority of people that dislikes me for many reasons, such as I'm too bossy or unreasonable or petty or boastful or resentful or prideful and the list goes on and on, but all of them only know how to make judgment and not try to get to know me better, to see if I am really like what they think I am, so really, I can not be bothered about you people who constantly criticize me because none of you were ever my friend so how can you ever know what I am really like? :)

So, for now, DEDICATIONS TO THE PEOPLE WHO'VE MADE MY 2009 VERY SPECIAL:

I'm really happy that Carolyn, Jennifer, Jingting, Jolene, Juexin, Najeera, Nora and me still spend our recess together every day ever since secondary 1. I'm just really glad for this because I see everyone separating (no offense intended) while we still stick together, and try to spend birthdays together (Seoul Garden ftw!). Although some of us made new friends and started spending recess apart, I really hope that next year, we'll still be spending most of our recess together because for me, having recess with someone else doesn't feel right. At all. I love you guys! :)

And Jennifer, who has always been my best friend (although she disagrees and says that Jannah/Carolyn/Najeera are more important)! Her laughter is the most contagious laughter I've ever heard in my whole entire 15 years of life and being around her, I've always been happy and laughing until I had stitches in the sides of my stomach, and till it's hard to breathe. Although we've plenty of disagreements and deferring opinions, I still love her because she's hilarious as hell and a truckload of fun to be with. :) Also, she's the one who I have the most candid pictures of. HAHAHAHAHA.

And I'm also really happy that Huishan, Joanne and I are still meeting up every few months to just talk and hang out. Although it is kind of funny that we were in the same primary school, but only got to properly know each other when we were all in different secondary schools. Although the atmosphere can sometimes feel awkward, I am blessed to have them and I love them very much (awwwwww).

Not to mention the good times I had with Huishan, who never fails to hand out lame jokes and puns! Thank you for always making me laugh and smile, although the psychotic person will always be you. HAHAHAHAHA. (Although it is quite true what Grace said about you, that we can only see your head 3/4 of the time HAHA.) It'll never be boring if there's you around, even if we're studying. 8)

And Juexin who I only got closer to recently (that's why the extreme lack of photos hint hint)! Thanks for always being so caring + concerned for me and constantly looking out for me; you're the sweetest person I've ever known! :O Like how you've said that you'll always be there for me, likewise, I'll always be here for you, when you're sad or angry or happy or whatsoever. :)

And Alicia! Although we had a big argument in the past, I'm glad that we were given the opportunity to be classmates and work on our friendship and I'm also glad that we're friends again, and although there is an obvious language gap between us (HAHA), we're able to understand each other quite well! Continue being the happy girl that you are, and don't ever go as berserk as you did a few months earlier. Wish you the best in finding another man to love. :P

That's all, but I'm also grateful for people like Albert (although he doesn't bothers to keep in contact at all), Axel (gives me encouragement whenever I'm sad), Dean (he's a nice guy), Emily (very sweet senior), Elaine (another very sweet senior), Guoxiong (very sarcastic guy who loves me hehe), Irene (because she's nice + gave me a birthday card HAHA), Junhao (he hates me now but whatever, I'm still thankful), Weiting (she's very nice + sweet and sent me encouraging messages whenever I'm hella depressed), Zhizheng (made me strive harder for English LOL)... yeah I think that's really ALL.

:) So, goodbye 2009, and I welcome 2010 with open arms.

2009-12-30T18:44:00.003+08:00

At Juexin's grandmother's house now! :D Haha. Her sister invited me. Awwwwwww. :B

Woke up early today, feeling happy, and showered and left to City Hall to collect the top I ordered online then to Simei to collect another top I ordered online. Total damage: $35. HAHA.

So, something really hilarious happened to me. -_- While I was at Tampines MRT Station, walking to the machine to tap my ezlink card, somebody tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around to see a girl that I don't know, and she immediately said, "OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BOYFRIEND!!!"

I was like O_O do I really look like a boy from behind?!

She apologized for mistaking me as a guy and then went off, while I was left feeling very amused.

So, anyway, after collecting my clothes, arranged to meet Juexin and Jolene at CS! :D I went back home first, to change to shorts, because it was so hot, and then I met them at CS's arcade and then I went to order a takeaway for prata for lunch (since we were heading to Juexin's house) and while waiting for it to be done, Najeera and Nora popped up from nowhere and ambushed us and we ended up talking till about 2.40pm before they left to watch Sherlock Holmes. :D

Walked all the way to Juexin's house, went to 201 first because Jolene wanted to buy a birthday cake for Osborn, then went to Jolene's house to have our very late takeaway lunch and then Deb came, and then Deb and Jo went somewhere, while I headed down to Juexin's house.

And then I sat down with their family and watched this Taiwan show or something, and then left for her grandmother's house after that. :B And I was invited because... I am awesome. HAHA.

And all her cousins are very friendly so I am getting along very well with them HAHA (although sometimes I don't understand their conversations because they're all talking in Chinese and my Chinese = ultimate fail) and I feel very at home HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ok byeeeeeeeee!!! ;)

I am so goddamn happy

2009-12-30T10:50:00.002+08:00

I really am. I've been miserable for the past few weeks, unable to sleep, because I couldn't stop thinking and analyzing and I didn't feel tired at all. And I was unable to wake up, because after being chased to bed by my parents, I slept and I had all these terrible dreams and when I woke up, I felt so goddamn exhausted that I couldn't get up. I starved myself for a few days, before my mother noticed and started to watch me like a hawk, making sure I ate. I lost a lot of weight, and I felt weak all the time. Whenever I go out with my friends, I came back home so fucking exhausted but not sleepy, because my mind was still awake with thoughts of him. And this vicious cycle continued.

But today, today... I woke up feeling like a brand new person. I don't know why. I feel so light (not just the hair), like I'm walking on air. I feel free, safe, happy. And I actually feel hungry. I don't feel ugly or unwanted anymore. And I revel in the knowledge that I have people who still love me, who will love me more than he ever could. And I feel blessed, I feel secure, I feel loved, I feel appreciated. This feeling of joy is wonderful. I've not felt this way for a long, long time.

:)

2009-12-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

I AM MADE OF AWESOME. :) says (11:38 PM):
*HAHA. but my bday have to wait for EONS.
sound of flickering lights says (11:39 PM):
*whats that? >>>>>
I AM MADE OF AWESOME. :) says (11:39 PM):
*?
sound of flickering lights says (11:40 PM):
*EONS
I AM MADE OF AWESOME. :) says (11:40 PM):
*OH
*means A LONG TIME
*HAHAHA
sound of flickering lights says (11:41 PM):
*oh.
*chey,
*ya hor!
I AM MADE OF AWESOME. :) says (11:41 PM):
*:P
sound of flickering lights says (11:41 PM):
*i thought is ....end of N S?
*LOL
*end of national service.
*LOL!~

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA EONS = END OF NATIONAL SERVICE
BEST BEST BEST

:D

2009-12-29T22:14:00.006+08:00

SO, AS YOU CAN SEE, I'VE COME BACK WITH SHORT HAIR.

I've been wanting to cut it short for a long time, but everyone kept telling me to keep it long, because I look prettier/better.

And I'm like, fuck, it's going to be 2010 soon, and I'm single, and it's a new year so might as well have a new start by chopping off my hair!

Therefore, today, I decided to just go ahead and do what I wanted to do. :D

So anyway, some pictures! I spent Christmas with my lovely friends and we had a good time talking and I left feeling very happy. :) Carolyn & I cooked spaghetti for them as well.

Jolene snapping away~

2 shy pigs! :P

MY HAT IS THE CUTEST :D

Jolene! :)

Our log cake (which we forgot to eat!! We only remembered after we were leaving and we were like OH FUCK so we quickly took it out, took some pictures, grabbed a few spoonfuls, and left. HAHAHA).

Jingting's parents drove us back!! :)

And then on Monday, watched Singapore Idol with my parents. :B

My dad looks like a stoner lol.

I can't believe Seizari won!!! :( Sylvia's voice is much better! Oh well. Here's hoping she'll be more successful than Seizari :x

And then yesterday, I was bored, so I went out shopping on my own. :D

I was going to cut my hair the next day, and cannot act cute with short hair, so took some act cute photos while I could!! HAHAHAHA.

LOVE THIS DRESS FROM COTTON ON (yeah I bought it haha).

Came back home around 6pm after gallivanting around town by myself and my mom was cooking and check this out:

She said she just dyed her hair and cannot wash, so she needed something to protect her hair from the oil fumes. -_- Cannot stand her!! She's wearing a shower cap btw! HAHA.

And today!! Went to have lunch with my mom and then we went to Lauren's to cut my hair!

:D

And Huishan dropped by at 8 to pass me my Christmas present - JASON MRAZ'S CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY AND A LETTER TOO! :D:D:D:D I love Huishan yaaaaaaay :)))))

And then Albert dropped by after that to pass me back my hard disk and I have to pass him back his digital camera's memory card and we talked for a while and then he left!

AND NOW I AM HOME AND BLOGGING BECAUSE HUISHAN, JOANNE AND JUEXIN ARE BUGGING ME TO. :D

Yay done bye!!!

2009-12-29T15:50:00.000+08:00

YAY SHORT HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

2009-12-26T23:13:00.003+08:00

Hello guys,

I will be missing for a while. I won't be online, I won't be on Twitter or Facebook or any other social networks, and my phone will be switched off. I need time alone to myself, because lately, I've taken a few blows and talking to people just exhausts me more and more. To be honest, I've been imagining plunging a knife into my abdomen repeatedly, and it has been less and less scary and more and more doable. I need a break from everyone, so I will be gone for a few days, and I will be back when I feel better.

I would like to apologize to my friends, it's not that you cannot make me feel better, it's just that I need to be in a place of silence for a while. And to Juexin, I've read your post, the one in Chinese, and I am very thankful for you. I hope you won't feel ignored or neglected in any way, and I hope you'll understand the reason for my getaway.

So for now, good bye.

2009-12-25T22:11:00.003+08:00

Various nicknames given to me over the years: Bones (because I'm too skinny), Bamboo (ditto), Hamster (cheeks very fat, looks like I'm storing food in my cheeks, like a hamster -_-), Hammy (cuter version of Hamster), Boneless chicken (because I like to lean on people = no bones of my own to support myself -_-), Jellyfish or jelly (ditto), Sloth (as lazy as a sloth), Rayray (my surname Rai is often mispronounced as Ray and Mr Chok decided that Rayray is cuter than just Ray), Ling-a-ling (like how a bell sounds like), Lingling, Ling, Li, L (after that Death Note guy, reason being I sit like him sometimes and also because my friend thought I resembled him in a way wtf)...

Most of them are obviously coined by relatives. -_- Yesterday, had Christmas dinner at grandmother's house, and my brother started calling me bones. And then it caught on, and everyone started calling me bones wtf.

"Hey bones, want some more turkey?"
"Oi bones, pass the sauce."
"So, bones, when are you going to start packing on some weight?"
"Bones, not eating? Then we got to start calling you air!"

SO MEAN RIGHT, I KNOW!! :(

Anyway, met my mom at Bugis yesterday to have lunch together.

Both of us had laksa, and then we went shopping hehehehehehe. Walked around Bugis Junction, and then decided to have coffee at TCC!

Had oreo mocha frappe. :B After resting for a while, decided to go to Bugis Street since I needed new shorts and might as well get cheap ones from there. B)

And the saleslady was like, you're the first skinny girl I saw with an hourglass figure! Most skinny girls that come here are skinny from top to toe, but at least you have curves! Big hips and big butt! Good for pregnancy!

... -___________- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After that, went back home and rested for a while before going down to my grandmother's house for Christmas dinner! :) The turkey costs $88, wtf. My aunt got it for a discount, so it costs $70 in the end, but still! $70?! We were like, it better taste good!

Looks really good, right?

SUCH A DRASTIC DIFFERENCE! :( But it still tastes good. HAHA. Don't think it's worth $88 though. -_-

Aiyah it was very hot so I pulled down my shirt a little, forgot to pull it back up before taking a photo, but who cares right, it's not like I'm showing anything. Anyway I've cut my fringe again!! Back to bangs B)

My uncle and me!

Didi means sister.

After eating the cake, Shaan tried on the shirts we (mom + me) bought for him at Bugis Street haha (3 for $10 only).

No muscles to show yet HAHA.

I'm so strong.

Not. :B

Talked for a while, then went back home (just 2 stories up haha) and became very depressed urgh fuck still very sad now but whatever there's nothing I can do FML.

:(

2009-12-25T01:17:00.006+08:00

Do you ever think that a person, once broken, can never be whole again?

I think about that all the time. I don't think a person can ever fully be whole again. Once broken, you're scarred for life. Eventually, everyone will have invisible cuts and scars all over their body, and everyone's hearts will be battered half to death. And everyone will learn that there is no such thing as heartbreak, because you do not only feel like your heart is broken - you will feel like every single part of you is broken.

It's the 25th today.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

2009-12-25T15:34:00.001+08:00

2009-12-24T12:29:00.003+08:00

Wow.

I am really touched by your sincerity. Thank you for the diamond earrings :)

I'm sorry but I can't accept you yet.

Past few days

2009-12-24T00:24:00.003+08:00

I made lemon chicken for dinner for family yesterday (ok it's past midnight now so I made it 2 days ago)!! :)

DOESN'T IT LOOK GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD? :D

HAHA I SHOWED THE PICTURE TO HUISHAN AND SHE SAID IT LOOKS LIKE POTATOES, NOT CHICKEN. :( SO MEAN. BUT IT LOOKS NICE, IT TASTES NICE, AND EVERYONE LIKES IT YAY!

I think I'll make a very good room-mate or wife. I clean and I cook. I'm the total package. B)

Okay I'm kidding.

My brother enjoying the yummy chicken I cooked hehehehe. :B

Anyway, I went out with Huishan today! She came to my house at 6pm, and we left at 7pm to Orchard. :D AND I MANAGED TO PERSUADE HER TO WEAR A DRESS!!!!! She has never put on a dress ever since she started dressing herself! My persuasive powers = THE ULTIMATE ZAI-NESS! :D (She forced me to wear a dress as well and I felt so girly haha)

JOANNE, THE NEXT TIME WE GO OUT TOGETHER, LET'S FORCE HER TO WEAR A DRESS AS WELL K!

So I lend her my dress, and yay she looks so pretty! But she kept on whining that she felt very exposed and naked and I'm like HELLO THE DRESS IS LONGER THAN YOUR SHORTS (which was what she was originally wearing) but I guess she's just not used to it but whatever she looks good in a dress anyway but there's no pictures because she refused to take any. Sadly. :(

Oh and while in the MRT to Orchard, we passed by Kembagang and I saw this very nice condo, so I pointed at the window and said, WOW NICE CONDO and she whipped her head to the window and said WHERE GOT CANDLE???

... how can she mistake condo for candle?!

ANYWAY. Dinner at BK at Ion, then walked to FEP to have shaved ice and it is naise!

Shaved ice + lots of chocolate syrup + oreos + rainbow sprinkles = YUM YUM YUM x10

Tastes better than ice-cream.

SEE, DRESS!!!!!!! She refuses to take a front shot :(

The only photo she would let me take, sigh :(
Reached home at like 10.30pm....

FOREVER HIDING FROM THE CAMERA. :(:(

OKAY I'M DONEEEE. Going to Bugis with my mom tmr to do some Christmas shopping, and then Christmas gathering on Christmas at Carolyn's house. Yay!

2009-12-23T00:13:00.003+08:00

Some people can just move on, y'know. They get angry, they cry a bit, and the next day, they're feeling as fine as fucking sunshine. But while they're enjoying their life, someone else is crying, tears incessantly falling. It's like a fucking tap that's rusty and is taking a hard time to turn off. And even after they cry it out, the feeling of loss is still there, lingering in their souls. Their throats feel strange, like a huge lump is deposited there permanently, and their stomach hurls at every single thought of who they've lost. There is a fierce sting behind the eyes, and a sharp ache in the chest. It's unadulterated torture, and while they're suffering, the other person, they're as happy as a freed bird - hanging out with old friends, making new friends, and completely forgetting you.

What I would like to do to these people, is to ask them, how the fuck do you do it? And I'll beg them for an answer, scrape at their toes, and beg and plead and beg and plead until my voice is hoarse and my throat is dry. How do you move on so fast? How do you let go so fast? Have this person ever meant anything to you? Have you ever love her? Why are you so happy? Don't you love her? Even if you don't now, didn't you love her once? How the fuck do you do it, forgetting every single fucking thing that happened in the relationship in just one fucking day, or a few fucking hours? Have you ever love her? Or have you stopped loving her for a long time - is that why it's so fucking easy for you?

This hurts so much, do you have any idea? People tell me, life goes on. But what if I don't want it to? What if I want to arrest it, stop it, or even battle against the current into a past I don't want to be past? People also tell me, you'll get over it. I don't want to get over it. I don't want to become used to the fact that he has left. That was the last thing I wanted, the last thing I've ever dreamed of. But then again, you can't always get what you want. So what am I supposed to do with all this love? All this love that I have for somebody who doesn't want them? All this love I have for somebody who loves someone else? Do I suppress it? Do I ignore it? Am I supposed to give it to someone else? What? What the fuck am I supposed to do?

2009-12-22T15:15:00.008+08:00

Met Huishan ystd, to go shopping for Christmas presents!! :D

Tampines MRT Station > Dhoby Ghaut MRT Station > Plaza Singapura > KFC (lunch) > Daiso (Christmas gathering on 25th's supplies + light sticks!!) > Spotlight (tie-dye fabric set) > Dhoby Ghaut MRT Station > City Hall MRT Station Station > Citylink Mall > HMV (Johnny Depp's biography + The Five People You Meet in Heaven) > Marina Square > City Hall MRT Station > Bugis MRT Station > Bugis Street (fedora hat) > Haji Lane > SECRET HIDEOUT FOR SCRUMPTIOUS BROWNIE + MOCHA FRAPPE > Bugis Junction > Rubi (1 pair of shoes for myself, 3 pairs of shoes for HS) > Bugis MRT Station > Tampines MRT Station > Lovely Land (Christmas cards) > Tampines 1 > Times (More Christmas cards) > Home.

(Note: HMV has a 2 for $20 book offer YAY)

Yes, there was a lot of walking. :( I was half-dead when I was home, but that P-square (HAHA) was not tired at all. -_- Not human!

Few pictures because.... busy shopping what hehe. And also because P-square is afraid of the camera. :( So being the considerate friend that I am (hah), I willingly kept my camera away. :B

Oh yeah while at the secret hideout, I don't know what happened to me, but I suddenly got very high (I left out HS because she's 24/7 high) and we started singing in the cafe although there were people around us. Singing along to the songs playing! AND A HERO LIES IN YOU~ HAHAHAHA.

And I wore the novelty specs that I had, the one with blue eyeshadow on the eyes and arched eyebrows that made everyone whom I forced to wear look like perverts, and stared very seriously at everybody that walked in.

So there was this couple that came in, and the guy was holding the small of his girlfriend's back, and I stared at him... and he stared back at me, giving the -_- expression. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And then the waiter came, but he ignored me when I was staring at him wtf. :(

Oh and we were talking, when I suddenly exclaimed, "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!" (I also forgot why) and guess what she replied....

"WHERE?!?!?!!?!?!?!"
And started looking around wildly.

.... so nonsensical right we both burst out in laughter!!

Oh and while walking back to Bugis MRT Station to catch the train back to Tampines, I saw this very hot angmoh with very startling blue eyes....

He looked back at me and I melted and I immediately turned to Huishan, and we both said the same thing at the same timing: "SO HANDSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

HAHA THEN WE BOTH LAUGHED BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE BOTH LOOKING AT THE SAME PERSON!!

QUITE FUNNY!!!

Oh and when I reached home, my computer had some kind of system error, so I had nothing to do, so I straightaway read The Five People You Meet in Heaven and finished it in an hour and I felt very... inspired so I started writing letters to everyone I know. Inspired as in... I felt that before I die, I had to let everyone know how I honestly feel about them. HAHAHA.

Although I don't think I'll ever send them out, since the content is so honest that it's painful to read. (You guys just have to wait till I die, ok? HAHAHA)

Anyway, pictures before I started reading the book (haha I WAS BORED + I'VE NOT TAKEN SELF-PORTRAITS FOR A LONG TIME).

:D (Oi HS & Joanne, you can see the pillow you've given me!! HAHA. I've been faithfully hugging it to sleep for the past few days.)

Oh and going to have a Christmas gathering at Carolyn's house on the 25th!!! :) YAY CAN'T WAIT. 8)

The absolute truth

2009-12-20T18:01:00.005+08:00

I hate this particular period of time because I’m really not okay. All day long, I help out my family, my friends, whenever they need me. I smile and laugh and enjoy my day.

(Clarification: I don't pretend to be happy when I'm with my friends, because my friends make me genuinely happy. But when they are gone, I am alone, and I become sad in their absence. I've never faked a smile or laugh when I'm with my friends, and I've never faked my happiness. I've never lied about enjoying my day with my friends.)

But I’m honestly such a mess. I suppress my crying in the morning, in the afternoon, but at night, while I'm lying on my bed, I just cry. No one’s around to hear me in this darkness, so I just let loose.

I can’t take it sometimes. I hate talking about my problems, I’d rather just help someone else. I hate going on like this, like I’m going to be okay, like things are eventually going to be okay. Well it’s been so long now and they haven’t gotten better. They’ve gotten worse. I know the saying, that it always gets worse before it gets better, but when does the better part start? Seriously? How much more worse is it going to get? I hate this. I just want it to stop. I just want to be okay. I love my family and friends so much and I don’t want them to know I’m such a wreck. I don’t want them to know I’m falling apart. I want their help and comfort so bad but at the same time I want them to think I’m just fine. I don’t know what to do. I just want to be okay.

But it's so difficult to be okay. When I'm happy, really happy, something will happen to interrupt it. When I'm sad, really sad, something will happen to prolong it. Is it some kind of curse that only I am afflicted with? I am aware that I'm not the only one that's sad in this world; that there are many other people worse off than me - but that does not make me feel any less alone or my sadness any less sad. I am appreciative of what I have, such as my family and friends, and I love them immensely. I wouldn't know what I'd do without them. I know they'll always be there for me. I have no reason to be so pathetic, like now.

But the disappointments have been accumulating, and some of my friends have left me, and it is devastating. I'm only 15, but I'm already so jaded. I hate it when people tell me they love me. I hate it when people mention forever. I hate it when people say always. Because their love won't last, forever and always is indefinable - it can be years, it can be months, it can be weeks, it can be days, it can be hours, minutes, seconds. When they utter those words, my chest tightens; counting the days that they'll stay, before they are gone forever. And is it my fault that they're gone, or is it theirs? Am I too inadequate a friend? Am I too emotional, am I too flawed, am I too dramatic, am I too stupid, am I too ugly, am I not worth the time and effort to work the kinks out? Or are they too demanding, too unreasonable, too petty, too heartless?

(Digressing: to my friends, I am not going to promise you that I will never hurt you. I will hurt you. I will make you sad, and I might even make you cry. I will disappoint you, and I will anger you. I will be spiteful, I will be sarcastic, I will be insensitive, I will be forgetful, I will be willful. But I will apologize, and repent. I will not live up to your ideal standards of a friend, but I can promise you that I will do the best that I can to please you, but I will not change for you. I love you, yes, but if you love me as well, you won't expect me to change. However, I will do my best in my capacity to please you, and that is a promise. I also promise that I will be there for you if you ask me to. But I will hurt you, in actions and words; knowingly or unknowingly. I won't lie about that. I will never betray you, but I will lie. I will not agree with you all the time, but I will be respectful and respect your own individual opinion. If I feel that you are doing something wrong, I will point it out to you directly, but I won't force you to do what I think you should do.)

Also, I've talked about all the things I've talked about just now to my therapist, and she told me, This is the storm that all of us have to endure alone. We hate it. But it is every raindrop - its very harsh element that runs down our faces - that traces out who we are. Our shape. It reveals the passion, the defiance, the space in the world that the rain cannot displace. So do not give up hope. The rain can't go on forever - it will stop. And when it stops, the sun will come out. And you will discover that you've been reborn a better person, and that you are stronger. But it will rain again, because you are not strong enough yet. Trudge through the rain bravely, and stay strong for yourself, for your family, and for your friends. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Make the best out of your pain. For someday, this pain will be useful to you.

But it has been raining for months. At best, it stops for a few days, then starts again. At worst, it never stops raining for a few weeks. And why must it be done alone? I would do so much better if there was someone holding my hand throughout, trudging through the rain with me. And this pain she talks about - this pain is agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart is being ripped right out from your chest and stomped on. You constantly feel like you're being suffocated. You don't want to eat. You can't function properly. This is the most intense pain I've ever felt, and the worst part is there's no way to relieve it. It's an unyielding, merciless torture.

I want to be saved. I want it to stop raining. I want to be happy for a prolonged period of time. I want to be able to tell my friends confidently and truthfully, "I'm okay!" I don't wish to die anymore, but I do wish to be alive. Do you get what I mean? I'm living. I exist. But I'm not alive. If you get what I mean.

Point of all this is that, I want to be okay. I'm not even asking to be happy. I want to feel okay. That's not very demanding, right?

Jeez.

And like how I always end my long posts, kudos to you if you've read the entire, pointless rambling. :D

Jingting's birthday

2009-12-19T23:23:00.002+08:00

Met Carolyn at 3.30pm, so we could go to Popular and buy her book and her Big Bang CD (tsk tsk) and then we headed off to Jingting's house and that girl made us wait for her at her void deck for 1 hour because she cannot let us in yet, because she's doing something. TSK TSK!!! :(

While waiting, made Carolyn buy ice-cream for me hehe.

At 5pm, finally went up and Shuman came not long after! Watched TV for a while, and at 6pm, bought all the BBQ stuffs to the BBQ pit and set up and eat. Hehe

These three arrived centuries later. T_T

Rong Chang arrived eons later. T_T

Jingting's parents! :D They're very friendly, hehe. And her father is very easy-going and jovial. Not serious at all. Even slipped us Carlsberg to drink. HAHAHA.

So chio. :B

JOLENE WHY SO CUTE?

FORCED HER TO WEAR BIRTHDAY SHADES!! HAHAHA.

Irene's a bunny!

Helping Jolene put on the bunny ears...

Begging her to please take a photo....

SUCCESS HAHAHAHA.

They claimed I look like a pervert. :(

Klinsmann arrived around 9pm (yeah I know so late) and he willingly put on the shades to take photos lol

HAHA THIS ONE IS THE BEST.

GROUP PHOTO! (without RC because he was basketball-ing)

Then it was time to cut the cake:

THE CAKE IS SO HUGE LOR WAHLAU LUCKY JINGTING!

Before any of you perverts get the wrong idea, her dad is just reaching for her handphone!

RC looks so cute here HAHA, with his center parting. :x

Then left at like 9.30pm!

Hehehehehehehe.

Had a great day with everyone today :) !

2009-12-19T14:57:00.003+08:00

I hope you're happy now, you inconsiderate fucker. Of all the things you've done to hurt me, this hurt the worst. I hope you're happy, knowing you've made me cry every fucking night.

Birthday celebration with HS & Jo!

2009-12-18T16:39:00.006+08:00

Huishan and Joanne tried to surprise me, but in the end, I was the one that surprised them! MWAHAHAHAHHA! Let me elaborate:

The night before the 17th, Huishan asked me what time will I be waking up for tomorrow (which is the 17th). I didn't suspect anything, and said that I'll be setting my alarm at 11am.

So what they planned to do was to sneak in to my room very quietly so I won't wake up before 11am and set up the cake and smear toothpaste on my face and then wake me up and take very ugly pictures of me. That's the surprise! Because they told me to meet them at 1pm at Tampines MRT Station.

... at 10am+, I was still happily sleeping. Suddenly, I heard footsteps and giggles in my dream and I opened my eyes and I saw two figures, one in white and another in blue, standing at my door who then, seeing that I've opened my eyes, whispered something like, "OH SHIT SHE'S AWAKE!" and then ran away.

I was suspicious, but I just closed my eyes again and pretended to be asleep. I heard footsteps again, and someone giggling like a hyena, and a lot of rustling. I opened my eyes, making sure my hair was covering my eyes, and saw someone in light blue shorts.

"JOANNE!" I thought. Because she's always wearing those light blue shorts.

Then I knew that the other girl was Huishan. "So this is my surprise," I thought, and I contemplated if I should continue to pretend to be asleep so I won't ruin their surprise or should I just wake up and surprise them instead (hehe).

I decided on the latter. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

I sat up and exclaimed, "You all very noisy leh!"

A shriek filled the room and I think I saw the both of them jumped. Mwahahahaha I felt so accomplished! Hehehehe. Anyway, their surprise was foiled by me, MWAHAHAHAHAHA. :x :x :x

Anyway they had a slice of tiramisu cake from Coffee Beans! And they passed me my present, which is the pillow. :D And they forced me to take pictures, even though I just woke up with morning hair, bad breathe, bad skin and swollen eyes :(

So after eating, went to shower, and set off to Bugis! Huishan was bringing us to her secret hideout (so I can't reveal the location either, except that it's at Bugis). :D And seriously, the secret hideout is so pretty!!!! Hehe.

Our table! Lots of cushions. Very comfortable! :D And not many people know about this place, so we had the whole second floor to ourselves. Which is awesome! After placing our orders, we immediately started taking pictures. :O

Joanne's buey song face HAHA.

Wearing my Happy Birthday shades! :D

I fell over laughing HAHA.

And our food came, and oh my god it is DELICIOUS!

Brownie with ice cream!! :D The brownie was orgasmic - it's really thick and chocolate-y!

My order came first (hehe) - Carbonara, a classic pasta sauce made with cream, bacon and Parmesan and served with pasta (duh) and is absolutely delicious. :)

Huishan and Joanne both ordered kids' meals, but look at the difference of the servings haha:

SO HUGE

SO SMALL (the fish)!!

Joanne digging in (and the way she cuts is hilarious, like a murderer).
While eating, we take PHOTOS B)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Then Huishan made us do this:

I look scary

While both of them look cute. INJUSTICE HAHAHA.

I look so excited HAHA. Huishan disappeared!

Please ignore my retarded face kthnx.

I am a bunny. Albeit not a very cute one.
I like this picture because I look very tall hehehehehehehehee.

HUISHAN WHY YOU SO CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

We tried to flip our hair to get a cool effect but failed:

Huishan passed!

Again, another pass. LUCKY!

Ok this one not so bad. HAHA.

Joanne looks so studious with specs!!

I look so demure wow. HAHA. My blue skirt is so awesome!! :D

Then we left the unadulterated awesome place! I'm serious, it's fucking awesome - good ambiance, good food, good company.... *sighs happily*

Decided to go to Bugis Street!

Joanne left shortly after that, as she has a netball match to go to. :O Huishan and I had yogurt at J.Co, and then went to City Hall! Went to HMV first, because Huishan is a self-proclaimed CD pervert. HAHAHAHA.

Then it was time to go for Swan Lake, so... Huishan went with me! :B She's not paying though. Oh well, at least the tickets aren't wasted. :D

Saw Huishan's friend there, haha. After the play ended, went to McDonalds to have supper. :D We were strolling to City Hall MRT Station when I realized, oh yeah there is a last train, and told Huishan. Then we panicked and quickly ran to the platform HAHA and thankfully we caught the last train!! :B

Reached home slightly before 1am, and transferred the photos and started editing. :B

Yay I had the most awesome birthday, thanks to the awesome company and awesome surprise and awesome cafe and awesome food and awesome play :)

Birthday celebration with family on 16th

2009-12-18T14:34:00.005+08:00

Left the house at 2pm and went to City Hall to have our late lunch at Food Republic...

After that, my mom went to purchase tickets for Ducktour + Singapore Flyer.

While on the boat, saw the ongoing construction of the IR (Integrated Resort). :B And the tour guide kept on emphasizing that if your family member becomes addicted to gambling, there is a gambling hotline to call. :O

My dad and mom, with the Ducktour boat/car (travels on land + sea).
After the tour, went to Andersen's to have ice cream :B

Fondue!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

My mom and I!

After eating, went to catch the Hippo bus to Singapore Flyer.

My dad and I (and my $10 bag).

Had to force my brother to take a picture with me! His condition is that I have to stand one arm's length away from him. -____-

Again, one arm's length. -_- I can't stand my brother, tsk!!

Singapore Flyer's reflection in the river :B

My mom sat on my brother HAHA.

I think the Christmas decorations are not very nice this year leh :/

My mom choking me -_-

In the cabin:

LOL both of my parents are so old already, yet still play around like little kids :O

Wanted to take a photo with my brother, and got elbowed in the face. -_-

After that, went to Marina Square and had dinner at this bistro and my brother was so sleepy that he fell asleep right there and then:

Pig.

My dinner! :D Albeit not very nice. But the prawns = heavenly! :D

Heh reached home around 10 and immediately sunk down on my bed. Legs were dying. :(

2009-12-18T02:06:00.002+08:00

Thank you, Huishan & Joanne, for the hilarious surprise this morning, for the pillow, for the cake, and for the awesome company during my birthday! :)

More updates tomorrow!