Miaow

Walked to school today - nice, cold breeze. Jennifer finally printed out my photos :)



My noticeboard is so pretty now. v^^v Hahaha.



Free calender too.

Oh yeah, went to KFC with Carolyn after school. She asked me to tutor her indices, and I was like, "Sure!" Since I've already learnt it. BUT WHY IS IT SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT THAN THE QUESTIONS I DID DURING TUITION? Anyway, then I was asking her, "So... what do you not know?" Guess what she replied, its so classic.

"I don't know what I don't know."

So ironic right.

-

Ah, anyway. Just like to clarify that going out with a guy does not imply that I am attached to him. It also does not imply that I am a slut and that I am desperate for a new boyfriend. I'm just comfortable with both girls and guys, so what's your problem with that?

A little teasing is fine, but you're going way overboard. Okay, I can already predict your reply - that I must be a flirt, thats why I'm comfortable around guys. That's not true, and seriously, DO YOU KNOW ME? DO YOU KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO JUDGE ME?

NO. YOU. FUCKING. DON'T.

Why I'm comfortable around guys is because ever since I was in primary school, my friends were mainly guys. During primary school, I was ostracized by all my female counterparts (okay, not all. I still had some female friends). Just because I was UGLY. For those who had seen my ezlink card picture, you would know.

And how superficial is that? I've never really liked having female friends from then on. Most of them were hypocrites, superficial and judgmental. I can only remember having Joyce, Carrie, Ashley, Amanda, Gladys, and Sheena as my female friends. The rest were just guys.

You want proof, I give you proof. These few bits are extracted from my 2005 - 2006 blog (I AM NOT GOING TO PUT THE URL HERE, CUS ITS DAMN EMBARRASSING. I TYPED LIKE A TWIT. ONLY ALBERT AND A FEW OTHERS KNOW THE URL.)

I was readin my friend's blog and she said, "everyone said i dun lyk weiling so i dun friend her oso" OMG OMG OMG...didn't noe me so hated one...sobz
Oh well, at least I know now..

THIRD just have to be Jodi. Even though she called me lame, and b!tch, who cares??

Sean HAD to ruin my game experience. Maple, is what I am talking about. He first told everyone this, "EDIONEAL IS A SCAMMER!! SHE SCAMMED MY RED WHIP!!" Which is a total LIE and such a FAKE. Sobz. THEN that stupid Sean said that I called his house and anyhow confront ppl.

I'm so tired. I feel like something had pierce my heart and left it bleeding or something. I feel pain. Like someone, or something, hates me. Oh, why am I so hated? I mean, most of the girls are like, "Don't sit here!" or "WAH LAO LA YOU B!TCH!". Seriously, I got to admit, the boys treat me better. And I am not a flirt. I just mix around, ya?

Ok, I think...that I am.....
Hated by all the girls.
In my class.
Because they think I am a freaking idoit, a selfish do-gooder, a liar, a nerd and a bad friend.
They think I have a bad attitude and think that I lie everytime.
So, I have finalised this.
I will never ever have any friends ever. You know why?? Becoz they misunderstood ME. They think I am a selfish brat, a snobbish snob and a braggart. Well, I'm not. I try to understand everyone and right now, my life is in the pits. Dragged down into nothingness....my life can never be fufilled. I finally get it. Now I know why I am always being teased.
Because I am not meant to be here.
Because I am not good enough.
Because I am universally hated.
No, I finally relized that I am not meant to happy. I am supposed to be sad and slog all my life,without any friends........without any support, without any sunshine!!
So, my life is friendless.....and I shed a tear on it.
No, I am not gonna shed a tear over this. I gonna cry my heart out, until my eyes are soggy red, and until I am dead. Then all my unhappiness will leave me and I finally feel peace....at heart, at mind and at body.

GAH, WHO DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I AM?!?!?!?! SOME KIND OF STUPID PERSON??? WELL, IF YOU THINK SO, GO AND HANG YOURSELF!! I AM NO LONGER YOUR TOY TO PLAY WITH AND NO, I AM NOT GONNA BE STOMPED ON! I NEVER GONNA BE A SLAVE TO YOUR WISHES AGAIN AND NEVER AM I GONNA BOW YOU AGAIN! I HAD IT WITH YOU AND I AM NO LONGER GONNA PUT UP WITH YOUR WHINES AND COMPLAINTS! GO AND FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER DUMMY TO PLAY WITH, AND I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REPEAT MYSELF??????? I DUN WANNA BE A USELESS BEING WHEN I GROW UP NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA BE GREAT AND INDEPENDENT AND ABLE TO KICK ASSES WITHOUT FEELING BAD OR GUILTY, GET IT?!?! LEAVE ME ALONE TO WALLOW IN MY GRIEF, PLEASE!!

But alas, this class is also judgemental. It likes to judge people by the cover, and one good example is ME. Everyone hates me, for goodness sake! So they judge people. Really, judging people means you are an ignorant and stupid person! Why judge? She/he might be a kind person at heart but is not pretty. Doesn't means she ugly means she evil! SO STOP JUDGING. People who judge are IDOITS. OMG, since when did I become like the maths teacher?? Better stop saying that! *zipped mouth* Anyway, I think 6/6 is a wonderful and amazing despite all the noticeable flaws. No class is flawless. Not ever, not NOW.
So stop boasting, I hate it and I spit on it. No kidding, and I'm SERIOUS!"

Some friends really think they are the best friend around. My ex-best friend, now friend, accused me of saying "dumbass", when I was saying "dumbass" to Bryn, and she said I was talking to her. Hello?? SHE was the one that called me and said that MY attitude SUCK and that I make a HELL friend, who doesn't even know how to keep a FRIEND. She said that my inflence on her is BAD and that I just don't give her good vibes to her.
Well, have she ever looked at HERSELF? I mean, I AM the one that is always trying to be good to her, and since she is my best friend, she SHOULD know that I am kinda IMPATIENT and HOT TEMPERED. I borned under the FIRE sign, OK?!?!
Ok, now you are probably thinking, "Just because you are borned under the fire sign, it isn't any EXCUSE."
Whatever. Think ALL you want, I don't fucking care. I'm in a BAD mood now, and when I'm in a BAD mood, WATCH OUT, OR ELSE YOU SEE YOUR FACE GETTING SOCKED.
Well, have she ever look at HERSELF?
First, she always BLAME me. Second, she thinks she is a BIG SHOT. Third, she thinks she I'm shit.
Well, I don't fucking care! Just becoz I am NOT a good friend sometimes, doesn't mean I am a stupid idoit!
GOD, SAVE THIS KID.
My gosh, I am so MAD now!
GRRR GRRR GRR. AND THIS MUSIC IS AIN'T HELPING ME NEITHER.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, FRIENDS ARE STUPID.
I SAID SOMETIMES, OK? SO DON'T HATE ME. I'M ALREADY HURT. MY HEART IS ALREADY BLEEDING.

I'm sick and tired and now I absoutely hate Sean. Why did I even be friends with him in the first place? He hurt my feelings, rip out my heart and dunk it into the sea and made me devasted. Why must he do this to me everytime? Why is my life full of complications? He said that I'm a scammer, told everyone to defame me and yes, I'm talking about maple. All my maple playing experiences are ruined. Torn. Ripped out. Gone. ALL gone.
So now he left me here, sitting on the chair, crying and leaving deep deep scars in my heart. My eyes are swollen with tears, and they are flowing freely down my face, and onto the floor.
I always looked foward to the days with happiness, but now, I depised it. I look foward to each day with sadness and devastion. I feel a sense of betrayal and I can see that I was so foolish to believe him and be friends with him. He is just a heartless guy who don't care for anyone feelings.
So why does he always so happy? Why don't people punish him? I'm the one always suffering, always the one crying. Not him. Why am I born to live in such a world where bad people get the good things, and the good people get the bad things?
I'm always the one called an idoit, stupid or a b!tch. I'm always the one that is friendless. But no one even cares. They have their own best friends and their own business to look after. So no one bothers with me. I have to lead my own life, without anybody. Pushing myself to be happy, and be always with a smile. But it always make me wanna break down and cry. It's been so stressful, been so painful and lonely, it's enough to make me wanna die. I been pushed and bullied too much, and I love all my friends for their kind words and encouragments, which pushed me on to become better and happier.
But with such short-comings in life, how am I suppose to even smile?

Today is not a good day. Definitely NOT a good day. Firstly. I vomitted during P.E and it was clear water. Secondly. It means my heart and lungs are not together. Thirdly. No one believes me and said I "vomitted" saliva. Fourthly. I lost everybody trust and friendship.

So, no friends. Nada. Zero. Nobody.
I hate my life. I hate myself for doing this to myself. I always been going on at high speed, never looking back. But now...I feel so much like stopping and letting myself die. I can't take this anymore! No one trusts me. In turn, whatever I say, nobody will believe. NO ONE. What is the use of my life when I don't even have just one FRIEND? Ok, I do have friends. How about this; What is the use of my life when none of my friends TRUST me? That sounds better and is better. Hm. It look like I only have ONE friend who still trust me.

Yeah... that was pretty much how bad my primary school life was! I didn't had a lot of friends, I was hated by literally everyone and it was the most traumatizing experience of my life. I was an A-class loser.

But the thing was, the guys didn't cared. They didn't cared that I was ugly and that I was very nerdy. Okay, SOME did, but most of them didn't. THAT WAS HOW I BECAME COMFORTABLE AROUND THEM AND PREFERRED (emphasize: PREFERRED. now i'm neutral with both) HAVING MALE FRIENDS TO FEMALE FRIENDS, K?

Granted, in secondary school, I am suddenly much more liked and I have a lot of female friends and less of male friends. I'm just telling you why I am comfortable around any guys, whether they are my boyfriend or not.

See, laoniang even elaborated so much for you.

So, stop gossiping and spreading false rumours lah. I'm still very much single and I'm not looking for a replacement boyfriend. How stupid do you think I am?! Don't look down on me so much please. -_-