Mr. Curiousity

I'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful, but it's making me cry...

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Jason Mraz's concert was awesome, but updates about it later.

Because today was heartbreaking. I am a happy kid most of the time. I don't find a need to pretend to be happy. And besides, I don't do the whole facade shit. But today? Today was devastatingly heartbreaking, and even that is an understatement. Btw, it's not about Guides.

I'm not going to elaborate on what happened, and please don't ask me what happened, because I don't want to talk about it. It's so fucked up now. Everything is SO fucked up. Everything is fucking falling apart, and I think I'm falling apart too. It's like... GOD. I DON'T KNOW. This is so fucking FRUSTRATING, my heart is bursting with EMOTIONS and I WANT SO BADLY TO RELEASE IT ALL, BUT I CAN'T FIND THE FUCKING WORDS.

I'm not saying that I have nothing, that I'm gone completely. It's just... sometimes, it's all a bit too much to handle. It's too much. It's overwhelmingly suffocating. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better... it has to, right? Otherwise, there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their teenager years. But for now. Just for now. It hurts.

Why is it that you don't start loving someone until they're gone?
How do you go from talking to someone everyday, to rarely acknowledging each other?

... I'm tired of it. I'm tired and I'm scared. I'm exhausted. I've already got my heart broken one too many times. I'm not ready to hand it out again. I guess what I'm afraid of is that I'll find someone new, and fall in love with them, and then get hurt again. I don't want to go through that. I really don't. I mean, I do want someone to love and to be by my side, but I'm just afraid of falling in love again. God, I'm such a fucking walking contradiction - I want to fall in love, but at the same time, I don't want to experience the hurt and pain that is associated with it.

Because after all the sparks, you're still alone in the dark.

I'm not over it, but little by little it's getting easier to pretend it's easier, which means easier might be right around the corner.