Shadow of a smile

I've been feeling exceptionally sad ever since the end of January. I mean, it has subsided some, but there are days where the sadness infiltrate me again with full force and I can't help but feel so worthless and empty. And I want so badly to move on from this pain.

But how can I move on if I'm still living in the past? How can I step forward, leaving the past behind, if I can't even begin to forgive what the past holds, needless to say, forget?

I'm sick of people walking in and out of my life. Like, if you want to enter my life and then make me fall in love with you, then don't leave, okay? If you plan on leaving, then don't make me fall in love with you, okay? Because, man, when it comes to leaving, it hurts like a motherfucker. And the process of recovery is a tad problematic. Because I was in love with you. Was? Is? I don't know. I can't decipher the shit that my heart is telling me, and somehow, I don't want to know as well. I apologize for the blunt delivery. I don't know why I feel this way either. I can't figure out the mathematics of this.

And I can't figure out my feelings. Can't figure out any single goddamn thing, because my eyes are still blinded with tears. My vision is still blurry. Everything is blurry. And probably, why I'm feeling this way is mainly my fault. I mean, I knew that it would never work, but I kept on loving you. I knew you kept telling me lies, but I still believed everything you said. I knew that you would break me, but I kept my faith in you. I knew it all, but I denied it.

This is so.... confounding.