Flushed

Frazzled hair.
Bloodshot eyes.
Tears-soaked lips.
Trembling hands.
Palpitating heart.
Churning stomach.
Quavering legs.
Frozen feet.
Numbed toes.

What is happening to me? Why am I getting so emotional and affected? Why am I crying? Why do I feel nothing, not a single sliver of pain or fear when the blade penetrates into my naked flash? Why is it that I feel so empty and lost? Where is the compass in my life? What is the meaning of it all? Why do I feel this overwhelmingly sensation of being left behind by everyone? Why does my life feels like it’s slowing down to a halt completely? What is pain? What is friendship? What is love? Where is love? Why is there so much hate?

“Thanks for being my best friend; I’m sorry for always annoying you.”

Were they lies? How does one so effortlessly lie? How does one weave such an intricate lie? Why is it that I feel so unloved? Why do you not smile? Why am I not smiling? Where is the happiness? Has it slipped away into the night, together with our innocence and sanity?

“Don’t cry, I’m sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me.”

Why do you keep apologizing? Why can’t you remember your promises?

“You are starting to sicken me.”

What is so sickening about me? Why must you force me to change? Why do you want me to be someone that I’m not? Why must you criticize me for being what and who I am? Why can’t you accept me wholeheartedly, like you did before?

“Seriously, you’re so annoying. Just shut up!”

Am I starting to bore you? Have we spent too much time together? Have you had enough of me? Was I the habit you were too tired to break? Are you being serious? Am I really not good enough? What’s so wrong with me?

“I’m too lazy to wait for you. I’m going off already.”

Why are you leaving me behind? Why don’t you wait for me anymore? Have you lost your patience? Have you got tired of waiting? Are you sick of my face? Are you annoyed by me being so busy all the time? Is waiting for me such a big wastage of time?

“You’re so fucking stupid! Stop being such a fucking bitch!”

Why are you throwing expletives at me? Why do you not care about me anymore? Have you forgotten about my scarred past which I have told you about? Why do you not feel a thing when you throw such vulgar and coarse words at me? Have you forgotten that I am human and that I can be bruised easily?

What exactly is wrong now? Why the sudden coldness? Why the sudden hate? Why do you look at me with such disgust? I’m not filth. I’m not repulsive. I’m your best friend.

Stop making me wait. I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know anything at all, but I know that you’re starting to shun me. You’re commenting on every single shit I do. You’re ostracizing me for every shit single I do. I’m like the fucking devil incarnate to you. Nothing I do is ever right, isn’t it?

Now even the words I say are condemned by you. But why should I apologize for being me? At least I’m being real. Why do you hate me for being real? But if apologizing will appease you and make you stop being so spiteful towards me, then apologize I will.

I’m sorry.

I really am. I don’t know what I did wrong but that doesn’t make I’m not sincerely apologizing. I really miss you. I miss your care. I miss your concern. I miss your love. I miss your jokes. I miss you.

It’s not fair if you leave me so suddenly without a reason. If you don’t want to befriend me ever again, at least tell me why. It has been several years since we became the best of friends. I might not be the best friend you ever had, but I thought you accepted me anyway. Was I wrong? Why did you string me along if you are going to leave me in the end? Did you have to make me so attached to you? Fuck. Don’t leave so suddenly. Don’t expel me from your life without a fucking reason!

Don’t make me cry anymore. Don’t make me stay up at night, thinking what the fuck have I done anymore. Please get it done and over with. Suspense was never my thing. It wasn’t yours too. So. Please. Please. Tell me what’s wrong.

I’ve lost uncountable friendships, but I’ve never intended to lose ours.