Figureheads

I remembered there was once, when I was still living at Woodlands, I had a big fall out with my mother. I do not remember what the argument was about, but I remembered her shouting at me and me crying helplessly and then running to my bedroom, and I slept for the whole day. I did get up, but I did not get out. I stayed in my bed, crying and hurting from her caustic remarks.

I ignored my grandmother when she said to come eat, and she got upset. She said I was shrinking and soon I'll be nothing but skin and bones. I did not shower, and my grandmother was even more upset.

Then I heard the door open, my mom was back from work. Knowing that she was at home, I squirmed into a tighter ball in my bed, thinking it would get me further from her. I pretended to be asleep, closing my eyes tight. Too tightly. When I heard nothing, I opened one eye for a fleeting moment and saw a shadow in front of me. I got scared, thinking it was a ghost and sat up straight and realized, horror-stricken, it was my mother.

I slunk away from her, clutching my bolster tighter to me, as though it would protect me from her. My mother gently pulled the bolster away from me - I did not put up a fight - and placed something else in my arms, something soft and furry. Curious, I pulled my eyes away from her and looked down in my arms - it was a toy dog.

When I looked up at her again, she said, "Sorry sweetie, for yelling at you yesterday. I did not mean what I said." Then she hugged me and I hugged her back, with the toy dog nestling very nicely between us.

Felt like a happy family.

Felt.

But things are different now, 8 years later. This home at Tampines has a different atmosphere. The family is different too. My grandmother now resides at Redhill and there is another man who is married to my mother now, whom I call my stepfather. This home, this home... this home is a museum of fleeting smiles, scarce mutual agreements and hurtful words. The basic requirements? Do excellently in school and keep the two figureheads pleased.

If you do not meet the requirements, they will throw words at you, words that do not encompasses love. Words that are meant to bite, to hurt, to pain. Sometimes I do not cry when such things are said, but sometimes I do. And when they see your tears, they will stop but they will say nothing. When I was younger, my mother would creep into my room, hug me, apologize. Sometimes she would even throw in a free plush toy.

But as I grew up, and as my mother remarried, it all stopped. And suddenly, apologies become halfhearted and old, and I realized that out of obligation, I had to accept these apologies. I could not say, "No, I do not forgive you for all the things you've said." I could not. But I had to apologize as well, "Sorry for making you angry." "Sorry for being the spark to your fuse." Sorry for this and sorry for that. I will always apologize, but I have stopped long ago being sincere about the apologies.

I am sorry is a lie as to I am fine.

But I will never say a word, not even a whimper. I will not raise my voice, I will not retaliate, I will not lose my temper. Only take the punishment, something I do not deserve. I was taught that this is discipline, this is something that I deserve, something everyone goes through. I deserved to be shown hate, because hate will discipline me. Love will only pamper and spoil me, in the end. I will not reap any returns. But hate, hate will help me.

One day, I will gather my courage and scream out, "Do not touch me!"
And I will run as far as the wind carries me, and I will not look back.

Wtf?!

Phone bill came in today.......
My dad came in my room, smacked me with the letter, and told me that my bill has doubled to.....

$112.

._. Wtf? 2558 smses, apparently. OKAAAAAAAAAY. Omg and now he's threatening to confiscate my phone. >.> Either that, or pay my own bills. T_T Which I am incapable of, obviously.

I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.
I'll cut down on my smses and limit myself to 10 smses per day.

URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :(
10 only leh, sorry Junhao I can't sms you that much anymore >.> And how will my blogshop survive, how will my customers contact me when I can't reply their smses?! DAMNIT!

Mwahahahaha

JunHao- says (10:51 PM):
*LOL
*Okok
*Honestly la,
*the 1st time i saw you,
*i already have a ''thing'' for you =O
*ABIT la
*=P
(H) says (10:51 PM):
*._. CAMP?
JunHao- says (10:52 PM):
*Yeah
*=P

Junhao liked me ever since camp! :O :B :D

Hehehehe :>

This just keeps getting better

While you were sleeping I figured out everything. I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins. You shine so bright, its insane; you put the sun to shame.

***




Fuck I miss my long hair >.>

***

Anyway, I apologize for the lengthy posts lately. As you can see, I've not been in the best of mood lately. :/ Shall not go too deep into it, because you see, I quote, "it's wrong to reveal too much of my personal life." :O

It's so sad, isn't it? Just because you people don't understand me or don't agree with me doesn't mean I'm wrong. It's the hardest thing to do, but often, standing up for what's right means standing alone.

When what I need the most is someone to be there by my side.

Science VS Religion

'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.' The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'

'Yes sir,' the student says.

'So you believe in God?'

'Absolutely.'

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'

'Yes.'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!'

He considers for a moment, 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues.

'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent.

'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax

'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'

'Er...yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one, 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student falters, 'From God.'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir...'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'

'Yes.'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Again, the student has no answer.

'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question, 'Who created them?'

There is still no answer... Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing, 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him.'

'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes.'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes,' the professor replies. 'There's heat.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't.'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain...

'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.'

'Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero(-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time, 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains...

'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.'

'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it...'

'Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.' The student looks around the room, 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.'

'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers, 'I guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues, 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. . Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'

The professor sat down, defeated.