I am totally stupid yet brave

Ok I am an idiot, seriously I am. I wanted to get over my horror movie phobia, so I decided to watch Painted Skin online. Most of the time I was covering my eyes, oh my god, I thought I saw skin being peeled off or something, it was so gruesome, I couldn't even scream [unless I want my parents to come and question me, which is annoying] so I was biting my bolster (ok I was hiding behind my bolster too) and literally feeling my heart beating so hard and fast, its like it's going to jump out from the skin. But:

I survived.

This is a big achievement for me!!!! Because I cannot stand horror movies please, I am totally gutless. I've never watched a horror movie before (except for One Missed Call, because Albert loves to torment me) and its mainly because I have a terrible fear of horror movies, up to the point of it being a phobia. SO. Its an achievement for me. :P

Photos up soon :)

I AM AT HUISHAN'S HOUSE

Some photos that I found:

How much we ateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee at the last sleepover

OMG HAHAHA THIS WAS IN 2007 LIKE VERY EARLY 2007 WHEN I WAS STILL AN AHLIAN OMG IDK WHAT KIND OF BAG I WAS WEARING AT ALL

SAME. OMG I AM SO UGLY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA UGLYYYYYY WHAT THE FUCK SHORTS AM I WEARING?!

I think I am very ugly!

OK BYE. POST LATER 8)

Am sick again

Supposed to be at Huishan's house already but she's not contacting me, so I have no idea where to meet her so I'm still stuck here.

Meanwhile, I am having a wonderful time with a sudden attack of flu. I just took the Panadol flu drink, and ohmygod it was so SWEET that I couldn't finish it at all. It was like a cup full of SUGAR, I swear. I am terribly sick and I feel a fever coming.

Okay that idiot just called. Her CCA ended late. Thus, late dinner. :( Okay, I've been tagged for like what, a million quizzes? Here I go:

The rules that you should obey if you are tagged;

1. Each blogger must post about these rules
2. Each blogger start with ten random facts/habbits about themselves
3. Blogger are tag need to write about their own blog
4. Choose ten people to get tag and list their names
5. Dont forget to left them comment telling them they've been tag & to read your blog.

Ten Random Fact/Habits about me

1. I love to bite off my fingernails, esp when I'm anxious.
2. I love sitting with one leg up on the chair. Like a beng. :)
3. I love to blow bubbles!!
4. I love to anatogize Albert :x
5. I love to tease him too HAHAHA.
6. I love to remind him of his 'beautiful' past tooooooo. :B :B :B
7. I love the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard.
8. I am in love with mangas. :)
9. I get sick very often -___-
10. I ... I .... I am amazing.

Ten people who got tagged:
You x10.

-

1. Are you in love ?
- Yes.

2. Does the person know you love him?
- Ditto.

3. What if that person rejects you?
- Replace 'rejects' with 'break up' and I would probably just move on.

4.Who are your best gans/ friends?
- Too many to list leh! I don't want to name. Later people ask me "Why am I not in?!" and annoy me to death. You should know if you're one of the best, because I will remind you constantly!

5. Will you die for your friends?
- Yup. If we're close enough.

6.Who will you save? Your bestfriend or Girlfriend?
- I don't have a girlfriend leh! HAHAHA. So bestfriend lor!

7.If you got a choice, who will you want to be?
- Myself :)

8.Would you watch ghost show or comedy?
- COMEDY DUH.

9.If you have 3 wishes, what would it be?
- I don't know, I don't really think about what I would wish for.

10. Make Your Mouth Bigger !!!
- :O

People tagged:
- You.

-

1. What are your chanc​es of getti​ng with the perso​n you like?​

- So far I've managed to snag all the boys that I've liked (and in the end, break up) soooo ... pretty high, I guess? I am so not modest.

2. Have you ever slept​ in a bed with the oppos​ite sex?

- Yup.

3. What are you liste​ning to curre​ntly?​

- Jeremy Thurber, I Love You But

4. Are you keepi​ng a big secre​t right​ now?

- Oh yes.

5. If you had a baby with the last perso​n you texte​d?

- (Huishan) I didn't know I can have a baby with a girl!

6. Do you still​ talk to the perso​n you fell harde​st for?

- Albert? Yes. Duh.

7. Do you prefe​r to take showe​rs at night​ or in the morni​ng?​

- Night.

8. Do you alway​s answe​r your phone​?​

- Not always.

9. Are you good at math?​

- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WISHED.

10. How did your day go yeste​rday?​

- Peaceful.

11. Have you ever liked​ someo​ne who had a boyfr​iend/​girlf​riend​?​

- Oh yes! HAHA.

12. Does the futur​e scare​ you?

- A little!

13. Was it a boy or a girl to call you last?​

- Huishan is a girl. Unless she's a transexual and keeping it from me ... :O

14. Do you prefe​r regul​ar or choco​late milk?​

- Choco :)

15. When was the last time you had starb​ucks?​

- Never! I prefer Coffee Bean.

16. Do you sleep​ on your stoma​ch?​

- Sometimes.

17. Who was the last perso​n that made you cry?

- >:( A boy.

18. Do you crack​ your knuck​les?​

- Seldomly.

19. What are your favor​ite color​(​s)​?​

- Oh, neutral colours, pastel colours.

20. Ever been on a blind​ date?​

- Oh. Yes. Friends set me up. It was awkward. Very.

21. Are you named​ after​ anyon​e?​

- Don't think so!

22. What is on your bed right​ now?

- A boy toy, HAHA. Not. The basics - pillow, bolster, blanket, blah.

23. Where​ were you doing​ last night​ at midni​ght?​

- Listening to Connie Talbot.

24. Where​ is your siste​r right​ now?

- No sister!

25. Anyth​ing you'​re givin​g up on?

- Yes :B

26. Who was the last perso​n you gave your numbe​r to?

- Eh ... some guy I met at the UG camp.

27. Have you lost frien​ds in the past year?​

- 2007? Nope!

28. Who'​s the last perso​n that made you smile​?​

- My mom.

29. Who do you tell every​thing​ to?

- Maggieeeeeee.

30. Looki​ng back,​ did you ever waste​ too much time on a certa​in boy or girl?​

- Hahahaha. Ha. Kind of.

31. Where​ is your phone​?​

- In front of me.

32. How many peopl​e do you love?

- Oh, there's a lot! But just a few particular ones that I really, really, really love.

33. Whats​ his/​her name?​

- Well currently the person I love the most is a tie betweeen Maggie and Albert, HAHA.

34. When was the last time you went to the mall?​

- Just!

35. Are you doing​ anyth​ing good today​?​

- SLEEPOVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

36. Is there​ anyon​e on your mind?​

- Yeah :)

37. What do you think of the first person on your top?

- On my top?

38. Do you believe what comes around goes around?

- Yes.

39. Have you ever cried from being so mad?

- Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

40. Miss someone?

- Of course! I miss a lot of people. Esp those who are overseas. Jennifer. :(

41. Did you cry today?

- Nah.

42. Who was the last person you yelled at?

- Eh ... I don't yell.

43. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

- Chewing gum and it still is in :B

44. What windows are open on your computer?

- Aw, I have more than 10 tabs opened.

45. In the past week have you gotten sick?

- Yes! And now I'm sick again. Oh dear.

46. Who was your last call from?

- Huishan!

47. Will you be in a relationship next month?

- Depends if Albert still love me or not :(

48. Are you someone who worries too often?

- HAHA YES QUITE A LOT.

49. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

- Nah! Nobody misses me much.

50. How late did you stay up last night and why?

- 1am plus, on the comp.

(Omg this quiz is never ending)

51. Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?

- Nope.

52. Is there anyone who doesn't like you?

- Yup :)

54. Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?

- :( Yeah.

55. Do you know what you're wearing tomorrow?

- I don't plan on what I'll wear tomorrow.

56. What do you currently hear right now?

- Sam Sparro, Black & Gold

57. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

- Aeropostale :)

58. Do you know anyone that smokes weed?

- Nah.

59. How long does it take you to shower?

- 10 minutes tops! I am a very ungirly girl.

60. What was last thing you drank?

- Fucking sweet Panadol flu drink.

61. How has the week been?

- Okay.

62. Do you curse in front of your parents?

- I would get killed if I did.

63. Has anyone disappointed you lately?

- But of course.

-

1. Honestly what color is your shirt?

- Dark green.

2. Honestly, whats on your mind?

- Lots!

3. Honestly, what have u done yesterday?

- Omg this 'honestly' part is annoying. Slacked?

4. Honestly, have you ever been in love?

- ... I thought that was a given.

5. Honestly, feeling anything unusual today?

- No.

6. Honestly, is your heart still occupied?

- Hahaha yes.

7. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?

- Huishan.

8. Honestly , are you jealous of somebody right now?

- Nope.

9. Honestly, what makes you sad most of the time?

- Ooooooh this particular person.

10. Honestly, are you LOVING someone right now?

- ._. Yes.

11.Honestly, what are the things u don't want in life?

- Can't think of any.

12. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?

- Yeah.

13. Honestly, any plannings in near future?

- Haha yes.

14. Honestly, do you love someone very much?

- Yes.

15. Honestly, does anyone LIKE you?

- Like, no. Love, yes.

Omg enough! No more tags please.

The thinner the air

I only added hair extensions and eyelashes extensions. Hair wasn't really done well. Omg I should totally grow out my hair. No more chopping off of my hair. I'm going to keep it long. Oh and yeah look at my totally uneven bangs. I am not going to cut my hair by myself ever again. If I can resist it.

I hate it when people call my name, especially at home. My mom has been making me do all sort of chores for her. Ironing the clothes, keeping the clothes, washing the dishes, carrying up and down boxes of her stuffs, etc. She's always calling for me to do them. While I'm sitting on my bed and reading a book, I'll always be interrupted. Oh, and I have a home tutor now. Coming every Tuesday and Saturday. For maths. Mmm. And my mom is going to tutor me Chinese. Urgh. What a turn off.

My holidays would be much, much better if my mom didn't resigned. At least she'll be gone 5 days a week. Now she's in all week and ordering me over like a slave. Oh, and now that she has resigned, no more discounts when we eat at Swensens. Since her company is controlling Swensens. She's only getting a new job next year. So ... my holidays are pretty much screwed.

Sleeping over at Huishan's house tomorrow. We plan to order delivery from Pizzahut and then eat at the playground and catch the sunset + sunrise. If possible. Haji Lane on Friday to hunt down my dream bag. My grandma is moving in this weekend! Won't be able to go out much then. Have to take care of my grandma. Class chalet on Monday, I need to go buy the utensils which I promised to sponser. Maybe on Friday I'll rush to Daiso.

Just 30+ more days to the school reopening ... time sure flies fast. Cliche.

I'm not looking forward to the school reopening too. Sure it'll take me away from home, but ... I'm not smart. I'm stupid. I can't cope with all the homework, I can't cope with the potential class problems that will definitely crop up. I just can't, simply because I am not cut out for academics.

I want to be a drifter. Y'know, those people who drifts from place to place. Never at the same spot for long. Working odd jobs to get enough money to drift to the next place. And the beautiful scenery recorded in videos or photographs. Bliss.

Q1: The person who tagged you was?
- Guoxiong.

Q2: Your relationship with him?
- Father and daughter, haha.

Q3: Five impressions of him:
- Retarded, retarded, retarded, retarded and oh did I mention retarded? :)

Q4: The most memorable thing he has done for you?
- A lot lah!

Q5: If he becomes your lover, you would...
- I would most definitely be blind.

Q7: If he becomes your enemy, you would...
- Ignore him lor :x

Q8: If he becomes your enemy, he needs to improve on?
- On his intelligence. Being my enemy = bad thing.

Q9: If he becomes your enemy, the reason would be?
- We were once ... hahaha. It was because of my insensitivity!

Q10: The most desired thing you want for him to be?
- A coconut. HAHAHAHA.

Q11: Your overall impression of him?
- Idkkkkkkk ... nice?

Q12: How do you think others will think of you?
- An angel. :) HAHA. Not.

Q13: The characters you love about yourself?
- None!

Q14: The characters you hate about yourself?
- Noneeeeee!

Q15: The most ideal person you wanna be?
- Myself :)

Q16: For people that care and love you, what would you wanna say to them?
- ` hiies . iies lurbbslurbbs euus tuuhs x33 . ;DD *mwaahs ! ~~ hhehs x) *bllush*

My brother is evil

WEILING (Z!) says (12:45 AM):
Hi daaaaaaaad
WEILING (Z!) says (12:45 AM):
Can I go sleepover at Huishan's house this Thurs?
WEILING (Z!) says (12:46 AM):
Will be coming back home late though. Cus I'm going to sleepover on Thurs, then on Fri, go to Haji Lane.
WEILING (Z!) says (12:46 AM):
Please say yes? :(
Aswin says (12:46 AM):
ok, but don't come back late
WEILING (Z!) says (12:46 AM):
Around 7.
Aswin says (12:46 AM):
There's nothing at Haji Lane
WEILING (Z!) says (12:47 AM):
........... there areeeeeeeeeeee
Aswin says (12:48 AM):
What a moron, respect your elders please. I tell you one thing, you dare defy me. Wasting time on such useless lame things. What a joke. You're better off elsewhere. Your brother is right. He's the best. You suck.
Aswin says (12:48 AM):
What a hypocrite you are
Aswin says (12:48 AM):
Loser
Aswin says (12:48 AM):
Whiner
Aswin says (12:48 AM):
Moron
WEILING (Z!) says (12:48 AM):
.......

My brother is so immature. I was talking to my dad halfway and then my brother intervened and started scolding me :@

I miss you

I am such a gutless person. I wish for the strength to be able to call this particular person that I've really missed but I don't have the guts to. I miss you. Too bad you don't miss me. I wish you did though, but wishes (especially mine) never do come true.

This is what coffee does to you

So. I'm at the living room right now, using my mom's laptop and drinking a damn bitter cup of coffee because I'm too lazy to go back to the kitchen and pour some sugar in.

I've been collecting my thoughts over and over again these past few weeks, ever since the school holidays started.

Okay, to be honest, I am not who I am right now; who I am a few days ago, a few weeks ago, a few months ago. Whatever you've seen, that's not me. I've been putting up a pretense, and a pretty good one at it since no one has ever really seen through my facade and expose me - and even if anyone did suspect anything, they didn't do anything about it. I've been pretending.

Why ... why did I do such a tiring thing, pretending, and thinking very carefully before I say or do anything? It's exhausting, it really is. But I do it anyway, and it's really all because of one reason: fear. I fear that ... if I am myself, nobody would like me that much. Because my true self (this sounds so cheesy) is sarcastic, angry, proud and hurtful.

I really am, hell I know it damn well myself. Most of the time I want to say, "Serves you right, you deserved it"/"Why are you telling me, do I look like I actually give a damn"/"Right. And you're Little Miss Perfect, aren't you"/"Oh. My. God. Get over it already, won't you" and all sort of very hurtful remarks. But I restrain myself and try to be nice and try to cheer them up instead, tell them that everything is okay, and shit like that.

*pause*

I guess once or twice - okay, whatever, definitely an infinite times - I've let slip my real self. C'mon, I'm not a professional actress. And most of the time, when I do, people notice. Because it's not like me to be mean, really, I'm not praising myself. But I'm actually really mean inside, it's just that I don't show it.

Okay, now most of my friends are going to read my confession and then say that I'm a hypocrite and a liar.

I would like to say, in my defense, were you never a hypocrite, and had you never lied? Besides, I don't show this pretense to everyone. Just strangers, relatives and acquaintances. To really close friends, friends that I'm really tight with, I'm myself. I'm just nicer because ... I do have quite a bit of niceness and I am very empathetic when it comes to people that I love, that I cherish. Okay, totally contradicting myself now, but bear with me - I am not very good at explaining things, let alone explaining my feelings and myself. So, I am still kind of mean. And I do have unkind thoughts. But I love them, so I abolish all the unkind thoughts - or try to - by reminding myself that no one's perfect. I'll chant it to myself over and over again. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

It's not a very good idea to love me, actually. In fact, it's a horrible idea. To love me. I'm someone filled with spite, hatred and sarcasm. I can never love someone completely and wholeheartedly because somewhere in the middle, I'll hate. I'll hate and then I'll love again, and is that being sincere? Can you love someone and then hate someone and then love them again? Soon you'll stop loving them totally. You stop hating them too, but you also cease loving. That's why most of my relationships are less than 6 months. But so far I've not hate Albert or wish for him to be gone. So it's good, it's all good. Hitting 11 months. I should be okay. I should be okay. Okay.

Damn bitter coffee. Bitter, very bitter. Black bitter. Bitter black.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, I'll lay down in my bed and reflect. I am a contrite sinner, really. Contrary to popular beliefs that nobody will ever understand you, that even you yourself will never understand yourself, I believe that I understand myself, inside and outside, thoroughly. This sounds a bit wrong, doesn't it? But you should know what I mean. I understand why I do things that I do, why I say things that I say, why I am what I am, and why I pretend. I understand. I understand every single thing that I do and it's annoying me, because for once, I would like to question myself, question "Omg what the fuck are you doing?" because I've never done that once. Crazy wish, I know. A lot of people are wishing to be at peace with themselves and here I am, wishing for the opposite. Funny. Maybe at some point in my life, I'll question myself and start wishing to be able to not question myself. Irony.

Digressing.

I'll lay down in my bed and reflect on the numerous lies I've uttered from my mouth and my fingers (y'know, typing on the keyboard) and I feel bad for having deceived people and for manipulating people into thinking I am this nice, caring, listening, angel of a person (believe me, people have told me that before. Unbelievable, I know) when really ... I'm not. I'm not who they've made me out to be. Okay, maybe some of them got it right (the people who hates me to the very core). But to those who think that I am nice, then they got it all wrong. I'm pretending.

... so I don't pretend all the time. Sometimes I geniuely care, because I'm not filled to the brim with hate; well, not yet, at least. Sometimes I know what it feels like to be in their situation because I've been in it too. So I'm nice. I'm not that heartless, not that inhumane. Or sometimes, on some days, I'm just ... nice. No other way to describe it; can't think of any.

I don't really know who I'm trying to imply here. Insane of me, right? To wipe away the good image most people have of me and tell them I'm actually quite a devil. I'm not questioning myself here, so don't say that after you've read that. Come to think of it, now I know why - because I want people to hate me. I want people to avoid me.

Why would I want such a thing? Loneliness is agony. But ... I am a very easily irritated person and almost everyone sort of just get under my skin. Almost. There are few people that actually don't perturb me at all. And I want them to stay close to me, because they make me feel safe and secured. But I keep on getting angered by most people and then I vent my anger on these few people that I love and they keep leaving. And I don't want that, seriously I don't. So I just want to be left alone. I want to be only approached when absolutely needed. Now that's rubbish because most of my friendships are started because they approached me. But now I have enough friends - I am not good at keeping friendships and I don't want to juggle too many because I know that I will lose 3/4 of them if I do.

Do I make sense? I know I don't, that you're probably scratching your head and thinking what the fuck is wrong with me. Hey, nothing's wrong with me. Not yet, anyway. I'm not senile yet, y'know, still 14, still young but already so cynical and not believing. Wonderful.

I've always been a non-believer. I don't believe in much. I don't believe most of what people tell me. I'm always doubting and thinking that there is an ulterior motive behind most people. I am that doubtful. I don't believe in wishing, I don't believe in hoping, I don't believe in God, I don't believe in perfection, I don't believe in ... oh, just about everything. The thing that people question me about the most is probably why I don't believe in God. That is mainly because his existence is not even proven. Even so, even if he comes down from wherever he is, I still won't believe in him or like him much.

Okay, all the religious people are going to throw rocks at me after they've read that ... sorry. But I just have my own opinions and thoughts, and you have to respect my decisions if you want me to respect yours (which is "I love God, God is everything, God is omnipotent", etc). Oh, and stop preaching to other people (aka me) and trying to make me a Christian too. Remember, God wants spiritual fruits ... not religious nuts. Anyway. Would it be better if I clarify why [I don't believe in God]? Because:

People keep on telling me that God will make everything better at the end of the day. All of my obstacles? He is just giving me them so I'll emerge stronger out of it. If that is so, then why are the obstacles all so evil? Such as, the death of a family member. Now why would he take away someone precious to me, just to make me stronger? Can't he just throw me something else, instead of a death? I know - death is inevitable. Not a strong enough standpoint. How about ... all the diseases and illnesses in this world? Why does he want people to suffer so? Why does he want people to get cancers at a young age and die young and not accomplishing what they've wanted to accomplish? He gives life ... he also steals life.

Oh, and if God really forgive all and accept all, can someone explain to me Hell? Since God created everything (as what most people claim), why did he also create Hell? Why is there also a Satan (which, since he created everything, he must also have created) that punishes people for their wrongdoings, though no one is perfect and mistakes are inevitable?

I also remember most people telling me that God says to love everyone and to condemn no one. So why does he condemn murderers and thieves and assasins and people who have sinned gravely to Hell?

I remembered this book I read about Jesus. Apparently, he divided the world into two parts. One part will be the good and virtuous, and the another will be evil and malicious. While the good and virtuous will be blessed and have a good afterlife [which I also doubt exist], the evil and malicious will be condemned and suffer in their next life [ditto].

Oh, and if God is really all that forgiving, then there shouldn't be people suffering now, should there? Like those starving, malnutritioned kids in Africa. Homeless families. Poverty. People suffering due to famine and drought. He loves his children and everyone here is his children, isn't it? If he love us ... how does he have the heart to see us suffer so?

The theory of God is full of contradictions. That's why I do not believe.

It's 3.24am now. I'm tired, I should go to bed. I've been typing since 12am. My eyes are getting heavy, this is probably the longest post I've ever typed. I shouldn't be publishing this - maybe I'll delete this later. But for now, it shall stay.