This is what coffee does to you

So. I'm at the living room right now, using my mom's laptop and drinking a damn bitter cup of coffee because I'm too lazy to go back to the kitchen and pour some sugar in.

I've been collecting my thoughts over and over again these past few weeks, ever since the school holidays started.

Okay, to be honest, I am not who I am right now; who I am a few days ago, a few weeks ago, a few months ago. Whatever you've seen, that's not me. I've been putting up a pretense, and a pretty good one at it since no one has ever really seen through my facade and expose me - and even if anyone did suspect anything, they didn't do anything about it. I've been pretending.

Why ... why did I do such a tiring thing, pretending, and thinking very carefully before I say or do anything? It's exhausting, it really is. But I do it anyway, and it's really all because of one reason: fear. I fear that ... if I am myself, nobody would like me that much. Because my true self (this sounds so cheesy) is sarcastic, angry, proud and hurtful.

I really am, hell I know it damn well myself. Most of the time I want to say, "Serves you right, you deserved it"/"Why are you telling me, do I look like I actually give a damn"/"Right. And you're Little Miss Perfect, aren't you"/"Oh. My. God. Get over it already, won't you" and all sort of very hurtful remarks. But I restrain myself and try to be nice and try to cheer them up instead, tell them that everything is okay, and shit like that.

*pause*

I guess once or twice - okay, whatever, definitely an infinite times - I've let slip my real self. C'mon, I'm not a professional actress. And most of the time, when I do, people notice. Because it's not like me to be mean, really, I'm not praising myself. But I'm actually really mean inside, it's just that I don't show it.

Okay, now most of my friends are going to read my confession and then say that I'm a hypocrite and a liar.

I would like to say, in my defense, were you never a hypocrite, and had you never lied? Besides, I don't show this pretense to everyone. Just strangers, relatives and acquaintances. To really close friends, friends that I'm really tight with, I'm myself. I'm just nicer because ... I do have quite a bit of niceness and I am very empathetic when it comes to people that I love, that I cherish. Okay, totally contradicting myself now, but bear with me - I am not very good at explaining things, let alone explaining my feelings and myself. So, I am still kind of mean. And I do have unkind thoughts. But I love them, so I abolish all the unkind thoughts - or try to - by reminding myself that no one's perfect. I'll chant it to myself over and over again. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

It's not a very good idea to love me, actually. In fact, it's a horrible idea. To love me. I'm someone filled with spite, hatred and sarcasm. I can never love someone completely and wholeheartedly because somewhere in the middle, I'll hate. I'll hate and then I'll love again, and is that being sincere? Can you love someone and then hate someone and then love them again? Soon you'll stop loving them totally. You stop hating them too, but you also cease loving. That's why most of my relationships are less than 6 months. But so far I've not hate Albert or wish for him to be gone. So it's good, it's all good. Hitting 11 months. I should be okay. I should be okay. Okay.

Damn bitter coffee. Bitter, very bitter. Black bitter. Bitter black.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, I'll lay down in my bed and reflect. I am a contrite sinner, really. Contrary to popular beliefs that nobody will ever understand you, that even you yourself will never understand yourself, I believe that I understand myself, inside and outside, thoroughly. This sounds a bit wrong, doesn't it? But you should know what I mean. I understand why I do things that I do, why I say things that I say, why I am what I am, and why I pretend. I understand. I understand every single thing that I do and it's annoying me, because for once, I would like to question myself, question "Omg what the fuck are you doing?" because I've never done that once. Crazy wish, I know. A lot of people are wishing to be at peace with themselves and here I am, wishing for the opposite. Funny. Maybe at some point in my life, I'll question myself and start wishing to be able to not question myself. Irony.

Digressing.

I'll lay down in my bed and reflect on the numerous lies I've uttered from my mouth and my fingers (y'know, typing on the keyboard) and I feel bad for having deceived people and for manipulating people into thinking I am this nice, caring, listening, angel of a person (believe me, people have told me that before. Unbelievable, I know) when really ... I'm not. I'm not who they've made me out to be. Okay, maybe some of them got it right (the people who hates me to the very core). But to those who think that I am nice, then they got it all wrong. I'm pretending.

... so I don't pretend all the time. Sometimes I geniuely care, because I'm not filled to the brim with hate; well, not yet, at least. Sometimes I know what it feels like to be in their situation because I've been in it too. So I'm nice. I'm not that heartless, not that inhumane. Or sometimes, on some days, I'm just ... nice. No other way to describe it; can't think of any.

I don't really know who I'm trying to imply here. Insane of me, right? To wipe away the good image most people have of me and tell them I'm actually quite a devil. I'm not questioning myself here, so don't say that after you've read that. Come to think of it, now I know why - because I want people to hate me. I want people to avoid me.

Why would I want such a thing? Loneliness is agony. But ... I am a very easily irritated person and almost everyone sort of just get under my skin. Almost. There are few people that actually don't perturb me at all. And I want them to stay close to me, because they make me feel safe and secured. But I keep on getting angered by most people and then I vent my anger on these few people that I love and they keep leaving. And I don't want that, seriously I don't. So I just want to be left alone. I want to be only approached when absolutely needed. Now that's rubbish because most of my friendships are started because they approached me. But now I have enough friends - I am not good at keeping friendships and I don't want to juggle too many because I know that I will lose 3/4 of them if I do.

Do I make sense? I know I don't, that you're probably scratching your head and thinking what the fuck is wrong with me. Hey, nothing's wrong with me. Not yet, anyway. I'm not senile yet, y'know, still 14, still young but already so cynical and not believing. Wonderful.

I've always been a non-believer. I don't believe in much. I don't believe most of what people tell me. I'm always doubting and thinking that there is an ulterior motive behind most people. I am that doubtful. I don't believe in wishing, I don't believe in hoping, I don't believe in God, I don't believe in perfection, I don't believe in ... oh, just about everything. The thing that people question me about the most is probably why I don't believe in God. That is mainly because his existence is not even proven. Even so, even if he comes down from wherever he is, I still won't believe in him or like him much.

Okay, all the religious people are going to throw rocks at me after they've read that ... sorry. But I just have my own opinions and thoughts, and you have to respect my decisions if you want me to respect yours (which is "I love God, God is everything, God is omnipotent", etc). Oh, and stop preaching to other people (aka me) and trying to make me a Christian too. Remember, God wants spiritual fruits ... not religious nuts. Anyway. Would it be better if I clarify why [I don't believe in God]? Because:

People keep on telling me that God will make everything better at the end of the day. All of my obstacles? He is just giving me them so I'll emerge stronger out of it. If that is so, then why are the obstacles all so evil? Such as, the death of a family member. Now why would he take away someone precious to me, just to make me stronger? Can't he just throw me something else, instead of a death? I know - death is inevitable. Not a strong enough standpoint. How about ... all the diseases and illnesses in this world? Why does he want people to suffer so? Why does he want people to get cancers at a young age and die young and not accomplishing what they've wanted to accomplish? He gives life ... he also steals life.

Oh, and if God really forgive all and accept all, can someone explain to me Hell? Since God created everything (as what most people claim), why did he also create Hell? Why is there also a Satan (which, since he created everything, he must also have created) that punishes people for their wrongdoings, though no one is perfect and mistakes are inevitable?

I also remember most people telling me that God says to love everyone and to condemn no one. So why does he condemn murderers and thieves and assasins and people who have sinned gravely to Hell?

I remembered this book I read about Jesus. Apparently, he divided the world into two parts. One part will be the good and virtuous, and the another will be evil and malicious. While the good and virtuous will be blessed and have a good afterlife [which I also doubt exist], the evil and malicious will be condemned and suffer in their next life [ditto].

Oh, and if God is really all that forgiving, then there shouldn't be people suffering now, should there? Like those starving, malnutritioned kids in Africa. Homeless families. Poverty. People suffering due to famine and drought. He loves his children and everyone here is his children, isn't it? If he love us ... how does he have the heart to see us suffer so?

The theory of God is full of contradictions. That's why I do not believe.

It's 3.24am now. I'm tired, I should go to bed. I've been typing since 12am. My eyes are getting heavy, this is probably the longest post I've ever typed. I shouldn't be publishing this - maybe I'll delete this later. But for now, it shall stay.