an overflow of words

Currently 5:07am and I'm not asleep yet. Feeling quite depressed. I have no idea if this is just a passing mood or a relapse but to be optimistic it is a passing mood and I'll be fine by the time I reach school. But for now I am, to be specific, disappointed and upset and also rather hungry. For the longest time I've been second guessing myself all over the place, wondering if what I'm doing is right or wrong. You know what I really hate? Consequences. I have to consider the consequences of every action and I can't do something because the consequences will be not in my favour. I hate this feeling of being caged, like I can't do something just because of the fucking consequences. Right now I'm unhappy and I know the source of the unhappiness but I fucking can't do anything about it because I've examined the situation on so many levels but the consequences are still dire. I don't know what to do. I seriously wish that an answer will just fall into my lap from the skies, so that I won't have to contemplate on what to do. I'm so sick of contemplating; I just want to be decisive and take control of my life but I can't because I'll hurt too many people and it'll ruin my reputation and I'll be quite a disgrace. So I can't. So I'm forced to being wimpy and unhappy with how things are. There will be an answer... let it be. Well, I'm running short on patience. And I just want everything to fall into place and I can finally sit back and relax and stop being so tense and paranoid everyday. I just want things to be better.