The absolute truth

I hate this particular period of time because I’m really not okay. All day long, I help out my family, my friends, whenever they need me. I smile and laugh and enjoy my day.

(Clarification: I don't pretend to be happy when I'm with my friends, because my friends make me genuinely happy. But when they are gone, I am alone, and I become sad in their absence. I've never faked a smile or laugh when I'm with my friends, and I've never faked my happiness. I've never lied about enjoying my day with my friends.)

But I’m honestly such a mess. I suppress my crying in the morning, in the afternoon, but at night, while I'm lying on my bed, I just cry. No one’s around to hear me in this darkness, so I just let loose.

I can’t take it sometimes. I hate talking about my problems, I’d rather just help someone else. I hate going on like this, like I’m going to be okay, like things are eventually going to be okay. Well it’s been so long now and they haven’t gotten better. They’ve gotten worse. I know the saying, that it always gets worse before it gets better, but when does the better part start? Seriously? How much more worse is it going to get? I hate this. I just want it to stop. I just want to be okay. I love my family and friends so much and I don’t want them to know I’m such a wreck. I don’t want them to know I’m falling apart. I want their help and comfort so bad but at the same time I want them to think I’m just fine. I don’t know what to do. I just want to be okay.

But it's so difficult to be okay. When I'm happy, really happy, something will happen to interrupt it. When I'm sad, really sad, something will happen to prolong it. Is it some kind of curse that only I am afflicted with? I am aware that I'm not the only one that's sad in this world; that there are many other people worse off than me - but that does not make me feel any less alone or my sadness any less sad. I am appreciative of what I have, such as my family and friends, and I love them immensely. I wouldn't know what I'd do without them. I know they'll always be there for me. I have no reason to be so pathetic, like now.

But the disappointments have been accumulating, and some of my friends have left me, and it is devastating. I'm only 15, but I'm already so jaded. I hate it when people tell me they love me. I hate it when people mention forever. I hate it when people say always. Because their love won't last, forever and always is indefinable - it can be years, it can be months, it can be weeks, it can be days, it can be hours, minutes, seconds. When they utter those words, my chest tightens; counting the days that they'll stay, before they are gone forever. And is it my fault that they're gone, or is it theirs? Am I too inadequate a friend? Am I too emotional, am I too flawed, am I too dramatic, am I too stupid, am I too ugly, am I not worth the time and effort to work the kinks out? Or are they too demanding, too unreasonable, too petty, too heartless?

(Digressing: to my friends, I am not going to promise you that I will never hurt you. I will hurt you. I will make you sad, and I might even make you cry. I will disappoint you, and I will anger you. I will be spiteful, I will be sarcastic, I will be insensitive, I will be forgetful, I will be willful. But I will apologize, and repent. I will not live up to your ideal standards of a friend, but I can promise you that I will do the best that I can to please you, but I will not change for you. I love you, yes, but if you love me as well, you won't expect me to change. However, I will do my best in my capacity to please you, and that is a promise. I also promise that I will be there for you if you ask me to. But I will hurt you, in actions and words; knowingly or unknowingly. I won't lie about that. I will never betray you, but I will lie. I will not agree with you all the time, but I will be respectful and respect your own individual opinion. If I feel that you are doing something wrong, I will point it out to you directly, but I won't force you to do what I think you should do.)

Also, I've talked about all the things I've talked about just now to my therapist, and she told me, This is the storm that all of us have to endure alone. We hate it. But it is every raindrop - its very harsh element that runs down our faces - that traces out who we are. Our shape. It reveals the passion, the defiance, the space in the world that the rain cannot displace. So do not give up hope. The rain can't go on forever - it will stop. And when it stops, the sun will come out. And you will discover that you've been reborn a better person, and that you are stronger. But it will rain again, because you are not strong enough yet. Trudge through the rain bravely, and stay strong for yourself, for your family, and for your friends. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Make the best out of your pain. For someday, this pain will be useful to you.

But it has been raining for months. At best, it stops for a few days, then starts again. At worst, it never stops raining for a few weeks. And why must it be done alone? I would do so much better if there was someone holding my hand throughout, trudging through the rain with me. And this pain she talks about - this pain is agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart is being ripped right out from your chest and stomped on. You constantly feel like you're being suffocated. You don't want to eat. You can't function properly. This is the most intense pain I've ever felt, and the worst part is there's no way to relieve it. It's an unyielding, merciless torture.

I want to be saved. I want it to stop raining. I want to be happy for a prolonged period of time. I want to be able to tell my friends confidently and truthfully, "I'm okay!" I don't wish to die anymore, but I do wish to be alive. Do you get what I mean? I'm living. I exist. But I'm not alive. If you get what I mean.

Point of all this is that, I want to be okay. I'm not even asking to be happy. I want to feel okay. That's not very demanding, right?

Jeez.

And like how I always end my long posts, kudos to you if you've read the entire, pointless rambling. :D