an overflow of words

Btw, we were watching High School Musical so the voices in the video are from the TV.

Anyway that's my baby cousin's (Maya) idea of gymnastics. :P

I swear she's so hyperactive that while taking care of her, you can lose like 2kg by just running around catching her and trying to get her to listen to you. -_-

Anyway it was my uncle's birthday a few days earlier:



:)

NOTE: What I've written below is just how I truly feel about life. I'm just being honest. If you find something wrong with being honest, I honestly do not know what to say. You can choose to skip this part, because it's full of emotional bullshit and I don't want my negativity to affect any of you. This is just how I feel, so just accept it as the truth, and instead of trying to accuse me of trying to sound pitiful or that I want everyone's fucking pity or attention, I'll tell you straight ahead: I'm not. I'm not a lost cause, and I'm not depressed nor am I in need of anybody's care/pity/attention. I'm just exhausted, and what can you do about that? Nothing, nothing at all. So please quit the defaming, and just stop reading from here onwards if you don't like suicidal people and depressed people and reading about depression and negativity. I've given you a warning, so please don't give me bullshit comments.

I've come to terms with the inadequacy of myself. Yesterday, I was contemplating if suicide wasn't such a bad thing after all. I'm not running away from life, I'm running away from the ugliness of the world which I do not want to be part of. Cowardice, maybe, but it boils down to the fact that I've lost my hope and I do not see the point of living, if the disappointments and failures in my life are going to outweigh my happiness and successes. There's a limit to how much the heart can take, and I have enough. I've seen enough of this world, I've had my fair share of joy, I've laughed with happiness, laughed with madness, laughed with sadness, I've cried with happiness, I've cried with sadness, I've cried with sheer madness, I've gotten drunk, I've felt real regret, I've felt real guilt, I've real friends, I've fake friends, I've acquaintances, I've boyfriends and ex-boyfriends, I've been in love, I've been out of love, I've been aghast by love, I've been shocked by love, I've been abandoned by love, I've been defeated by love, I've gave my all for love, I've been hated, I've been betrayed by friends and foes alike, I've been gossiped about, I've wild stories made up about me, I've been insulted, I've been condemned, I've been a believer, I've been a cynic, I've been an atheist, I've been an agnostic, I've gone through many revelations, I've been caressed, I've been embraced, I've been love and love back, I've been forgiven and forgive back, I've been forgotten and forget back, I've been a hypocrite, I've seen hypocrisy at its worst, I've been a pathological liar, I've been lied to, I've been molested, I've been in trouble with the authority, I've written stories, I've read many books, I've listened to music, I've seen evil, I've seen fragility, I've seen vulnerability, I've seen tenderness, I've seen fright, I've seen embarrassment, I've seen humiliation, I've seen tears, I've seen heartbreak, I've seen breakdowns, I've seen denial, I've seen delusions, I've been through all of those emotions, I've lived.

And that's what most important, that I've lived. And I've enough of living. I do not care about the beauty of the world, because the ugliness of it is so repulsive that I can not stand being here. I'm repulsed by myself, by my actions, by my words, and how easy it has been lately for me to lie.

So I really don't want to live anymore. It's not that I'm craving for your attention or pity or anything, because I don't need it. This life - or rather, my life - has turned meaningless and I do not see the point of living it any more.

Don't tell me, "There's so much more to live for!" or "You're too young!" or "There's so much more for you to see, to hear, to feel, to experience!" Because I don't care. I really don't care. I've had my share. And I want so terribly for my life to end now.

I'm just gathering the courage to pull the trigger.